Hi Dost’s

Welcome to my 13th blog. Many people believe 13 is an unlucky number, I have no evidence to prove this theory, but if you read my blog I am quite sure you will have a lucky day, don’t believe me? Well just read on, hold onto your braces, grit your teeth and enjoy the ride baby!

My last weekend was very chilled and relaxed; I went shopping on Saturday and played footy on Sunday. My supported team (Arsenal) and my Sunday League team (Milburn) lost over the weekend, so I was in a grumpy and grouchy mood that could only be compared to the rage boiled up inside father bear in the Goldilocks story after his porridge and bed had been tampered with. To help improve my fragile mood I will be introducing a new and limited edition blog feature, you will have to keep reading to find out more!

Please allow me to move onto my regular blog features as I have more to squeeze in than a giant octopus that has to fit into a Hellmans mustard jar (empty of course) while being pumped up by a bicycle pump and being force fed dry rice that is eager to expand in a hungry octopuses belly!

The Return of the Demon Headmaster? – Roundup

In my last blog I accepted a mission set by The Demon Headmaster himself, he basically asked to email the BBC to try and get his great show re-commissioned and ask whether a DVD will be released. I accepted this mission and received a number of quite amusing emails (please see my 12th blog for more understanding). I am sad to report I have not received any further emails from the BBC regarding my questions, however the Demon Headmaster himself got back to me and left me the following comment regarding my brave efforts:

“Excellent work, though I have not yet got my show back or my DVD out yet! Never mind I shall take advantage of the email address' posted above and use my own brand of Headmaster hypnotisism (note I've been banned by the police from coming within a square mile of Television Centre after the fiasco of Children in Need 1999!).

I shall elevate you to prefect status for your sterling efforts and amusing blog work!

Good luck in your continuing quest!”

I am really proud to be a prefect and will not hide away from my responsibilities of demolishing SPLAT and hunting down Dinah Hunter and helping the Headmaster gain full control of the world. I am also really proud to report that a few of my fellow blogger friends have agreed to also email the BBC to continue mine and the headmasters aim at getting this great show back on the screens. Any support is welcome, no matter how small.

BONUS Celeb Email Challenge FEATURE!

I am a big fan of Louis Theroux, I respect his interviewing techniques and his uncanny skill of asking the questions that many of use wouldn’t dare asking, yet still gaining honest and truthful replies. Sorry folks I haven’t emailed Louis, but I have emailed one of his biggest guests to ever appear on his hit show, no not Jimmy Saville, I am talking about Christine Hamilton. Although being a celebrity in her own right she is also well know for being married to the ex-conservative Neil Hamilton, who left the party in a blaze of controversy. I decided to email the ex-I’m a celebrity get me out here star the following message:

“Dear Christine

I really enjoyed you and your husband on the Louis Theroux show. I thought you and Neil both acted brilliantly, in what must had been an almost unbearable scenario. I really like Louis's people skills and I feel he is quite clever at getting answers from people in a polite yet sneaky manner. How did you find Louis? Is he a nice person behind the camera?

I am by no means 100% clued up on UK politics, although I do still try to keep track of the biggest developments in the major parties. Are you and your husband still heavily interested in politics? I personally have lost faith in many politicians in today's environment and sometimes feel I should try to create my own party with new beliefs, strategies and no hidden agendas. This is obviously a huge mission, which of course couldn't happen overnight, but I like the old saying 'from small seeds, do big oaks grow'. Have you or either you husband been interested in starting a new political party? I feel you would have a much better approach than many of today's so called big players. Anyway thanks for listening to my ramblings and any ideas, advice and guidance at starting in politics would be very much appreciated.

Good luck to you and Neil in the future.

Any reply would be so much appreciated.

Kindest Regards

Adrian Wallett

Email: agwallett@googlemail.com

P.s. I know it is cheeky in asking, but is it possible you could post me a signed photo of you and Neil to the following address:

Adrian Wallett
*************
*************
Croydon
Surrey
******”

I did kiss butt a bit with my above message, my only excuse was I was eager for a reply and I felt this would be the best strategy to adopt. I was also kind of fibbing about my ambition to start a new political party, don’t get me wrong the idea has crossed my mind, but I am well aware of the huge commitment it would need, plus as already stated above I am now 100% clued up with every aspect of politics. I am proud to announce I did receive a reply from Christine Hamilton, she replied with the following email:

“Dear Adrian,

Thanks for e-mail and good wishes. Yes, Louis is delightful and we are
still in touch with him - had lunch with him a month or so ago.

Gosh - I am the last person to ask about politics - I am a totally
politics free zone! The best way to start a new party would be to get
into one of the existing ones and change it - perhaps a breakaway group -
remember the SDP? Get stuck into the mainstream process and see what
happens in a few years when you have some good experience under your belt.

Good luck and best wishes

Christine
xx”

Yes Christine, a quality and very polite reply. I am happy she is still in touch with old Louis, I reckon he would be a good friend to have in your corner. I really appreciated her advice on politics, but I doubt I will use it any time soon. My main reason would be that I would be betraying the Demon Headmaster, who is trying to take control of the world and I have already sworn that I am fighting for his goal of world domination, although my potential doorway into politics could make his entrance easier and I could be a useful spy. I will need to consider my next move with much care. Oh yeah, still no sign of a signed photo from the Hamilton’s, I guess not all dreams can come true.

*NEW BLOG FEATURE* - Mr Questions Needs Your Answers

I find philosophy really interesting, I am no master at the subject, I can’t recite many famous quotes from the main dudes of philosophy, but that certainly doesn’t mean I don’t respect the subject, on the contrary I want to learn more and open my mind to new ideas and theories. I could read a book on the subject, I could watch a documentary on the subject, I could search the internet to gain vital information on the subject, however I decided to choose another route to quench my thirst for philosophical knowledge, I chose you!

About three weeks ago I set up a new Google email account. I named myself Mr Questions and successfully set up an email called please.reply.to.mr.questions@googlemail.com. I didn’t tell anyone that I had done this; I wanted my experiment to be a surprise, and gain honest and brutal answers from my proposed plan. I decided the best way to gain the real answers to the main philosophical questions ever asked was to gain them from the Tom, Dicks and Harry’s of this world (incidentally I only know two Toms, no Harry’s and thankfully no Dicks!).

I emailed my friends, friends of friends and other random email addresses I could get my grubby little hands on and proceeded to ask the questions that needed to be answered - ten of the most popular philosophical questions ever asked by man, questions that had stumped such great minds as Plato, Socrates, Dakar and many more. For the next 10 blogs I will look at each of my asked questions and the responses I received. Below is the email I sent out and the 1st question I asked:

Please answer the following questions:

1. What is the meaning of life?

And nine more questions to be revealed in later blogs…

Please answer as honestly as you can. All will become clear soon.

I didn’t receive a lot of replies, but below is a sample of few answers I did receive for this particular question:


• There is no meaning of life, the only meaning is the guideline to live it and to gain the most life experience and happiness you can. Try everything you wanted, and you cannot regret life, therefore it was successful.

• 42, everyone knows that :)

Interesting findings, I am not sure why the number 42 has been used twice; maybe I am missing something really obvious. I like the 1st answer best as I feel it gives a good general guidance of how a life should be lived. If you wish to enter the argument on the meaning of life, please feel free to leave a comment. Could I also take this opportunity to apologise to anyone I might have offended by sneaking into their inboxes and asking quite personal questions, it was never my intention to rude or malicious, I will keep all displayed answers anonymous.

Business Tips for the Big Boys (all for little more than a t-shirt) (BTFTBBAFLMTATS for short)

Kronenbourg had left me high and dry in my last blog, they had sent me one reply, one automated reply, one automated French reply! Apart from my Heinz success, which was beginning to feel like a distant memory I had fired another blank in my quest to gain a free t-shirt in offering my advertising advice. I dusted myself down, bit my lip and let another email fire from my outbox into the laps of McCain, surely I would have more luck with this giant potato food company? I sent the following email to every department, email address and online form to McCain:

“Dear McCain

Firstly I would like to say I am a huge fan of your potato based products, especially your home fried chips which I could eat 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and 365 days a year (although living on just chips for a year wouldn't really be the best diet in the world). Anyway I am not only emailing you to discuss my chip eating habits, I am mainly emailing you fine people to discuss a potential advertising campaign you might be interested in.

I am sure you would agree that kids are your number one market for the vast majority of your goods, I therefore feel a well known cartoon character would be ideal to advertise your products and entice your young market to purchase more McCain products while at the supermarket.

In the popular cartoon series The Simpons, their is a character called Rainier Wolfcastle, who is often also referred to as McBain. He is an action packed character, full of muscle and great jokes. I feel the McBain character would be the ideal character to front your adverts as he is a well known and liked Simpson character, he is strong, funny, recognisable and of course his name rhymes with McCain.

One potential TV advert could start with McBain tied to the front of a runaway train fast approaching a broken bridge, McBain would then look at the camera and say: "McBain needs McCain to stop this runaway Train". He then approaches a cafe where he manages to grab a plate of McCain Home fries and tucks in. He then has the strength to snap his ropes and jump in front of the train and push the train to a sudden halt, just in time. Then the following slogan hits the screens:

"McBain Gives The Thumbs Up To McCain Home Fries!"

I am not sure how you would go about gaining the necessary rights to use the Simpsons character McBain as part of your marketing campaign, but I am sure their is no harm in contacting the FOX network and the producers of The Simpsons to see if they give you the green light.

Anyway let me know what you think about my adverting idea. If you would like to take this idea further please email me on: agwallett@googlemail.com.

To help spread the word of McCain further could I be really cheeky and ask for a free McCain T-shirt or any other freebie. Anything would be very much appreciated, and if you send me a t-shirt I will proudly walk around and be your free walking billboard. Please send any items to the following address:

Adrian Wallett
*********
*********
Croydon
Surrey
*******
United Kingdom

If this email finds its way to the wrong department of McCain, could you please forward it onto the McCain marketing department or to anyone else who might be interested.

Kindest Regards

Adrian Wallett”

I even sent the above email to John McCain, the US Senator of Arizona and Edwin McCain, a popular singer / songwriter again from across the pond, basically to do little more than fluster a few feathers and raise a few eyebrows.

Apart from many automated replies from McCain, stating they would forward my email to the UK McCain HQ (they must have had my message sent to them more times than they have had hot dinners) I only received one personal email as shown below:

“Sorry – you’ve reached a musician – nothing to do with ‘potato products’.
Best wishes…

Melissa Simmons

Harrington Artist Management
PO Box 1267
Decatur, GA 30031-1267”

Yup, you guessed correctly a representative of Edwin McCain, the musician had replied – ‘nothing to do with potato products’, as she so correctly put it. Maybe Heinz had contacted every company in the world and revealed my plan to gain free merchandise, warning them a young rogue was about to toy with them!

Well that is the end of my 13th blog, I guess this particular blog was full of P’s – philosophy, politics, potato products, and most proudly becoming a prefect. Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a comment and subscribe if you haven’t already done so.

YOU ROCK DOST

Adriano